I am no longer ashamed to say it out loud or admit it. I have been dealing with clinical depression/anxiety for 9 years. Usually I can cover it up and push through it without anyone knowing what is really going on other than a bad day or a slump that I might be in.
I can go out on Saturday and have 2 successful PartyLite shows, play my part as the knowledgeable consultant, know that I earned some great candle money for the next week and come home and cry for hours. My children have seen it happen as have others in and out of my life over the years.
Yesterday, I got things done around the house, mailed off a package to surprise a friend, received a prize from my Origami Owl mentor in the mail and should have been over the moon happy. However, I was drowning in financial worry, hating my job, hating what I do there and applying for other jobs in town with insurance.
My health is not good, my COPD has been rough lately and I am struggling to keep that managed so that I can at least go to work and earn a bit of money to pay bills for the household.
I get so angry lately and hate my reflection and then get wound up and angry at the job situation that I lash out at the man I love so much. I end up in a puddle crying out to God to help me and hating myself all over again. It is a desperate downward spiral that I truly do not see a solid way out of.
My sister in law has a quote she sends me over and over again but it rarely gets through to my listening mind. I know she means well, but I have shut nearly everyone out.
One of my best friends in the world is dealing with Liver Failure, Dad has had to have additional surgery due to a Physical Therapist not following doctor's orders and re-injuring his leg, I hate my job and most of what they stand for, but we are stuck where we are.
There is so much wrong in the world and even watching Stephen Colbert makes me sad because of our lack of leadership in the White House. To all the sheep in this country who thought this person would be a good president, Things are going to get so much worse as that man destroys our country.
I need your prayers, I need a job I can believe in and I need a way out. As I sit here writing on this stormy Friday afternoon, I am indeed thankful to have a few days away from the office (without pay!) as they decided to close for a few days. I just want to be happy again.
I know my Lord is taking care of me and blessing me in ways I cannot see and I know this battle is the Lord's and God does not want his children depressed. I also know that several prophets in the Old Testament lived with and through depression, yet God loved them anyway.
Please, if you know of a place hiring local, let me know. I can type 85 wpm and know most Microsoft Office programs. I am a hard worker will give my all as long as I trust who I am working for. If the trust is gone, then my heart is not in the work anymore. I am being brutally honest here because I need a job I can count on.
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