Sitting Alone

As a former single parent, I often did many things alone (meaning the only adult).

It was hard and it was ugly at times, but we got it all done. I somehow found the way to pay the bills and get the kids where they needed to be and work a full time job, go to school and lots of other things.  I could not have done any of these things without the help of my parents in those very stressful years.

Back then, I often avoided situations where I would have to sit alone for fear of what others thought of me. I even avoided church when those people only wanted to help.

My father always said I was not alone and I was always part of the family but I pushed them away for years because I felt like I was always in the way.

I went through a lot of rough times from 2010-2012 and moved back to Tennessee in the summer of 2012. Somehow, I could make myself travel to a city for a PartyLite National Conference, but I was afraid to go out to eat alone, attend the movies alone or go to church by myself.

I forced myself to get comfy with eating alone in a restaurant and when I moved back to Tennessee in July of 2012, I promised myself I would go to church with people I knew so I had someone to say hello to and sit near.

That would be the summer/fall I would become part of Covenant Church in Burns, TN. Those people at that church took me in with open arms and never made me feel alone in a room full of people. They would become very well aware of my health issues, job worries or whatever was taxing me at the time. The family at Covenant church will always have a special place in my heart for how they helped me and loved on me in my years of healing (2012-2015).

Most of the time these days, David and I attend church services together. However, with his new job, he works every other Sunday. I am being fully transparent at how difficult it was to attend Compassion that first Sunday while he was at work. Those old feelings of people watching me or worry about what they think of me hit me square in the face after all these years. I saw Mr. John in the sanctuary and told him how awkward I felt. He hugged me and said, trust me, even after 25 years of marriage, I still feel odd being at church without my wife. That helped me not feel so odd, and I found a place to sit and was so glad I attended after all.

Today was another Sunday with hubby working but I was not as awkward today until I had to find a place to sit. I picked a row and a seat and was soon asked if I was saving seats for anyone. I smiled and said no, the woman smiled back at me and soon the service began. Today they had dedication prayers for our new building and the message was about seeing others with your heart and not just your eyes. If you have ever sat with me in church you know I tend to get emotional, and during the worship songs, tears were falling and I was wiping my eyes and the woman sitting close by reached out and patted me on the shoulder and smiled. We would have a prayer during the service today and the pastor encouraged us to hold hands with our neighbor, so I reached out and held hands with a complete stranger in services today. I did not introduce myself, so I don't know her name, but her smile helped me so much today.

Sitting alone is not something to be ashamed of and it is a stark reality after a divorce or when a spouse passes away. Be kind to those sitting alone. After all, you truly don't know what they are going through.