Depression is Real

Today, I was shocked, hurt and upset by things done and said by my supervisor.

It is Monday and as usual those days seem to typically include a rough morning or forgetting something as I rush to get to the office.  Today, I got upset before I left the house and somehow forgot to pack my eye drops and shades that I am supposed to wear for a week or so after my cataract surgery.

I get to work just a few minutes ahead of 9 am and though I hated going in there, I thought I had my 'game face' on. I get to my desk and realize after my boss asks where my shades were, that I had left my eye doctor bag here at the house on my dresser. I was extremely upset at myself and my boss said, "go ahead go back home and get them, It's a quiet day." I said, "sorry" and went out the door and rushed home to get the blasted eye drops and shades.

So then after driving home and back to work, I was ready to get stuff done and find out what my boss wanted me to work on first (we normally have early morning meetings to get the day started).

My boss met me at the front of the office upon my return and before I could sit down, he suggested I just take the day off and rest and come back tomorrow ready to work and focus on the job. I told him I felt okay to work, but he insisted that I leave for the day and we would work tomorrow. I even went so far as to ask him if he was firing me. This question visibly upset him and he said, no, I didn't say you were fired, I am just sending you home.  I grabbed my jacket off the back of my desk chair, retrieved my work bags and left the office. As I opened the door to leave, he again said, "go home and rest", I replied, I have no where to go.

I went to my car cried and texted a friend or two... I was baffled as to why he would do this to me an not allow me to work today. I prayed for guidance and I tried to figure out why. I drove home and sat in my driveway for a while processing this event. It truly confused me and makes me want to pack up all my personal belongings and leave the job for so many more reasons.

As I was sitting in the driveway, I get a call from my boss asking if I made it home okay. I answered my boss and told him I was home and he quietly said we would talk tomorrow.  I also hear from my husband that my boss called him to ask about my depression and when am I going to bounce back from it.  My husband was great to answer this question as he and I both suffer from depression and anxiety on a daily basis. My husband assured him it has just been a very stressful summer and I am under lots of pressures other than work.

So, to wrap all this up, please realize that a person suffering from depression and still holding down a job, needs that job every day to feel like they have been productive and contributed something to their family income. I could very well have spun out of control today and really had a horribly bad day of crying and sleeping and depressive episodes. However, between my son, 2 dear mom friends and my husband, we have all concluded that my boss has zero experience with true depression and it is funny when you look at it from our perspective.

I suppose my mask was not fully installed today when my boss saw me arrive at my desk. You can be sure that tomorrow, I will have my mask installed, meds taken and put my best game face on to get through the job tomorrow.

Yes, I am still applying for other work, at this point, I am about to call walmart for a job. I have known since May of 2018 that I hate and despise my job and I go through phases of applying for other work.

Yes, I have COPD, Sleep Apnea, Depression and Anxiety, but I am able to run an office, type 85 wpm and do just about any office task that is handed to me. I will not lie for any supervisor and if you ask me to, just know that from that day forward I no longer trust you or respect you.